Loss

Today is my mother's birthday. She is 61. I don't know where she is.

I have spent many years processing various aspects of this painful part of my life. First, logistics. I can't be a part of (or a solution to) her chaotic daily life. Second, boundaries. I have to protect myself from the things in life that hurt me repeatedly, even if that thing is my mother.

Now, after all these years, I am feeling just a sad longing for what I lost...what could have been...but what, really, I know, never was going to be. In one of those moments, I wrote a letter to my mother. It is a letter I haven't sent and would not send even if I knew where to send it.

But I will share it with you all here because what I am slowly coming to terms with is that these things I long for are things I can give myself and things we can give each other. Wisdom, kindness, and strength are within us all.

Dear Mom,

In a parallel universe I am calling you all the time. I am asking you what to do when your 10 year old tells you he is too fragile to handle something socially challenging, but your gut tells you that the very thing he needs is not a pass from dealing with it but requiring him to deal with it anyway. I am asking you what to do when you feel you are striving for so many things in life but really everything you have ever wanted you have and have it in abundance but can't seem to slow down to fully enjoy it. I am asking you how to trust your gut. I am asking for advice on parenting when you realize, "wait, this isn't a forever thing...this having tiny dependents...it is a time-limited and increasingly seeming short period in my whole life." I am asking you how to shake off naysayers and let go of pernicious negative self-talk. I am asking you how to keep going even in the face of cruelty in this world. I am asking you how to hold on to hope when every bit of news seems to tear it down. I am asking you if I really can make a difference given all the sadness in this world. I am asking you how to fully embrace being authentically you while still being a good enough mother, a good enough partner, a good enough friend, a good enough worker, and a good enough citizen. I am asking you how to balance seeking out fulfillment of passionate priorities with reality and the hours and energy in any given day. I am asking you how to be kind to yourself when you feel you could have done more, done better, gone farther, been kinder, been wiser.

These are some of the things I would ask you if you were reachable and available to me as a mother. Some days I could really use a mother and I miss having one and I miss you.

I love you.