Last week my neurologist had me start a new medication, Keppra, to help control my seizures. He warned me that it had a side effect I should tell my best friends and husband about so that they could help me look out for it. That side effect was irritability. My neurologist said I should let them know ahead of time because I wouldn't be able to see it, to me, everyone would just be a jerk.
Well, lets just say that my days on Keppra are over now and my husband is a very patient and kind man.
It took us both a while to realize what was going on, even with the advanced warning from my neurologist, because I wasn't irrationally upset, just more upset than usual, more glass half empty all the way around.
I found myself near tears this weekend numerous times as I negatively surveyed my life. I kept thinking, I am an epileptic who can't drive for six months and whose health is not steady at the moment, I am a mother of two little ones (one a toddler who likes to say NO! a lot), I have a husband who is traveling quite a bit this spring and summer, I am a graduate student and have numerous graduate school complaints, and, of course, I have a mentally ill, homeless mother out there somewhere.
These things I was upset about made sense...difficult toddler moods, frustrating graduate school details, epilepsy related challenges, etc. But my usual ability to recover was gone.
Instead of saying yes, this sucks, but not everything sucks, or, at least, it won't suck forever, I just sat there unable to even motivate myself to get out of the realization of suckiness.
And here's the thing, yes I'm not driving and my health is a little wacky right now, but things don't suck so much right now actually. They have sucked a lot more before, so why this despairing?
It was then that we realized that I was not myself and needed to get off of Keppra. So, we are back to the drawing board trying to figure out why a med, Zarontin, that has worked (somewhat inexplicably) for 18 years for me is all of a sudden not as reliable and/or why my body is changing now, at 36, when it didn't through two pregnancies, weight changes, and all the hormone adjustments that went along with that.
But I am okay with that. I am more or less at peace with that. It is something I'm not thrilled about, but today, as Keppra is leaving my system, I see how differently my life, and many lives I'm sure, can be viewed depending upon one's perspective. This morning, even with a dizzy head and some chills (that I think is due to med change, but only time will tell), I see how fortunate I am as well. Some of the things I am thankful for: having two wonderful, healthy children, having a wonderfully supportive spouse who is happily employed, being able to pursue a graduate education, having a great network of friends to help with this non-driving period. What is funny about this list is how closely it resembles my list of struggles from above.
No matter what medication arrangement we finally land on, I do know that of all the side effects I am willing to deal with, a lack of optimism is not one of them. Looking on the bright side is the main coping skill that got me through my childhood and if I don't have that, I would be lost.
