Last night a friend had a viewing party for the movie Happy. The creators of this movie interviewed individuals from places ranging from Namibia, India, the US, Denmark and Japan to get at what makes, or does not make, people happy. Not terribly surprisingly, stuff does not make you happy. Status does not make you happy. Money does not make you happy. Though it sure does give the illusion of offering that when you don't feel that you have it.
However, more surprisingly, hardships do not have to make you unhappy. Or, perhaps I should say, do not have to make you unhappy over the long run.
I have struggled, visibly at times, with the parts of my life that are depressing and serve to make me...well...unhappy. For a while my goal was to not get sucked into the downward spiral myself and become "unhappy." I felt pleased everyday that I avoided the downward spiral and maintained the status quo. What I have been contemplating lately is the upward spiral. Is such a thing possible?
Given situationally depressing factors out of my control, like a homeless, ill mother, am I even allowed to be happy? Is it okay for me to be thriving, flourishing, joyful, laughter-ful, and positively annoyingly upbeat? (okay, I'm not sure I'm actually up for that, but bear with me). It just felt like one of those things that I am not entitled to. That is reserved for other people. Oh yeah, so and so is awfully happy. Must be nice to be them. If it wasn't for (fill in the blank), then maybe I would be so happy too.
What if I don't think of my life like this? What if I don't forever and constantly tether myself to the depressing bits of the world, and my personal world, that serve to make me see the world as a profoundly disappointing place?
For a while such thought felt like heresy. Such thoughts felt like denial of my truths. But in this new moment, these thoughts feel like anything but. It is not a denial of the uglier or harder parts of my life, but an affirmation of the positive parts and a peaceful acceptance of the harder parts.
Additionally, comparing myself to others is dangerous. When thinking "well of course so and so is happy, she is/has (fill in the blank)", I set up a scenario that opens me up to hostile and jealous feelings towards this friend. Even when I am seeing them in a favorable light, this thinking can create an illusion of competition. These "only if" kind of thoughts do a disservice not just to myself, but to my friendships. What if we were both happy? And both happy in perhaps very different circumstances? Wouldn't that be the best outcome, actually?
After all, spending my life wishing and waiting for something to happen or go away before I can "get happy" is a fallacy. The irony is happiness is right here and that chasing it can make it ever more elusive.
I hope for you all a glass half full, or even overflowing. Happy summer.
