Is your mom dead?

Last winter I wrote this post but never shared it. As I reflect on the start of this school year today and moving forward, I realized one of the things that haunts me is actually the title of this post. Following is my post from February 2014.

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I had the opportunity to eat dinner with just my 4 year old daughter last night. She and I sat there, eating, drawing, and talking. I have a horrendous head cold and my spouse is out of town for the week, but it was a nice moment in an otherwise exhausting week. She turned to me at one point and hugged me and said "I'm glad you are in my family. Otherwise you would be someone else's mommy." Disregarding the 4 year old logic of the statement, it was super sweet. And right as I was about to respond, she followed up with "Is your mom dead?"

Um...okay...."No, she is not dead." I told her.

"Why don't we see her?"

And here goes the occasional Q&A segment with my kids about my mother. And here is where I long for a better answer. Because I usually say "that's a good question" and hope that they get distracted by a french fry or a butterfly or some other spontaneous statement and not follow up with me about my mother. But as they get older they do follow up and I still don't know what to say and their questioning ability improves.

I've said "we don't see her because she is far away" to which they have said "but we see your dad and our other grand parents and they are far away." And of course, I mean more emotionally far away and am being deliberately obtuse. But the kids are onto me and ask too many follow up questions for this to work anymore.

I've said "we don't see her right now because she is not able to see us right now" which has worked pretty well and is basically true. But it is true because I will not allow her to see us right now. And my 8 year old is all over this one. "But WHY is she not able?" Ugh. Back to square one.

I sometimes just say "its complicated and I'll explain more as you get older. She loves you and I love her and I wish her well everyday and maybe someday when things are better we'll see her again." This is probably the closest I can get to my truth and something they can handle.

However, what I am thinking is "we don't see her because I am scared to see her. We don't see her because she is capable of sucking all the life out of me and she has been known to do that, whether it is intentional or not. We don't see her because she is a physical, logistical, emotional tornado that takes down all in her path. We don't see her because I want to protect you from not just her demons but from the mom you would have left after I see her." But how do I say that?

An old therapist once told me that I shouldn't beat myself up for showing my kids my sad or angry feelings.  Part of healthy life, she said, was knowing a full range of emotions and seeing recovery from sad feelings modeled for them. I try to remember that when I cry in front of my kids or lose my temper and then start the mom-guilt spiral. And sometimes I wonder if seeing the ravaged me after seeing my mother is part of that, but I don't know.

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But here is the thing: right now seeing her is not only something I'm not sure I want or think is good for me and my kids, it is simply not an option for me. She is MIA and has been for many months. I would love to be able to move through life without this popping up here and there as a to-do item like calling the dentist: check mom's whereabouts. Worse is the fact that right now there is no checking given her MIA status. Proceeding with life in a normal fashion can be a struggle at times, so taking the time to acknowledge the sadness from time to time helps me clear the air. Thanks as always for reading.

Serenity is where again?

I almost titled this post "control" but after a quick search of old posts realized I have a similar post On Control from three years ago, so I changed the title.  However, the truth of the matter is, no matter what I name it, I am still dealing with the same stuff and that, in and of itself, is frustrating.

I see a great therapist who often reminds me that we are human beings not human doings.  While goofy, there is a good point there.  I am, in my mind and my body, in perpetual motion.  Sometimes that perpetual motion feels healthy and like growth and progress and love, sometimes it feels just like motion…exhausting motion.  If I am still, if I am "being," I am more vulnerable.  The more I dig in and plow ahead the less vulnerable I am.

This is my thinking.  It is the thinking that leads me to feel overwhelmed and like I take on too much, but also the thinking that has helped me make things better in life.

Meanwhile, I have a hard time ceding control of things, partly because it is hard to just "cede control" to nothingness.  I find it virtually impossible to really let go of things.  And here is why:  Things don't just work out.

This is my motto.  If in doubt, you can bet things won't work out.  So, leave nothing to chance.  Manage it all.  I don't walk through life with the underlying script of "oh it will all work out in the end."

Que sera sera?  I think not.

I am trying to actively undo this.  And really as time goes by and we work hard to create a life that feels less precarious, I don't feel that my script of "things will only work out if you make them work out and then only maybe" is actually accurate and even, at this point, it is a bit overly dramatic.  However, it is through adopting this script that I have managed to create a life that feels more stable. Undoing a script that has helped me to create a life that feels less precarious feels dangerous.

While I don't think I can move directly to "everything will work out" but I can perhaps move to something less foreboding than "things will not work out." This is what I hope for.

I am in the middle of a particularly busy patch right now and while the temptation is to "wait until this is over to practice mindfulness or peacefulness," I can't help but think this is just stalling.  And, really, isn't this largely just how life is now?

So I am going to try to start my summer with some letting go and should I need a reminder, I'm sure I can count on my daughter to belt out a rendition of "let it go" for me as she does just about daily anyway.