In the last few months there have been many changes: I finished up *most* of my pre-dissertation work, including teaching, we bought a house across the country, packed up our life in Atlanta, and now are more or less settled here in Seattle.
As soon as the kids got back into school I got to work on my dissertation. Boom. Fast, no time to ponder or reflect. Just keep going, don't over think. But as weeks went on that voice got more frantic as if hiding some huge frightening skeleton in the closet. Instead of the calm reminder of "stay focused...don't spend time on reflecting on the big picture here...just get through this next hoop..." the voice became a little more upsetting "STAY FOCUSED!!!! Don't look around you! Whatever you do DEFINITELY do not look at the big picture. DEFINITELY don't do that. Don't! Go about your life as planned. Do it! NOW!"
Finally I allowed myself to take a break. Whether or not I look at the big picture, the nose to the grindstone approach was not working for me. I was not in it fully. I was churning through agenda items but I was hating every moment of the process and I'm sure that didn't help my writing.
Meanwhile, it is getting close to the holidays. The holidays can be hard for people who struggle with mental illness or love people who do. Like clockwork I start worrying.
I haven't seen my mother in 18 months. I haven't communicated with her in that time either. Per family therapy recommendations on boundaries I agreed to email with her only until she got help for her addictions (which my readership from 2011 knows about). Her reaction was to refuse to email me unless I was willing to talk to her on the phone too. Result: deadlock and no communication.
Perhaps we both have one thing in common: stubbornness.
I found out via a family member who is in touch with her that she is "ok." In other words, she is the same: wearing out enablers du jour and in and out of housing situations and hospitals. I felt immediate relief and sadness. Relief that things aren't worse and that she isn't dead (something I sadly and seriously felt was possible during the long silence). And sadness that things aren't better and that the idea of things getting better seems more and more ridiculous and out of reach.
And crash! Boom! Right while I contemplate the meaningfulness of my work and feeling so distant from anything real and important I am served up on a platter a meaningful and real problem. Right in front of me. Here it is. She is living, she is hurting. She is your mother and she is in need...still. You want real? Here is real. You are tired of disconnected theoretical writing and statistics? Boom. Here is flesh and blood need.
I did call the hospital I heard she was most recently at (she was no longer there), though I realized I hadn't really thought out what I would say if the receptionist said "ok, let me connect you." I may have hung up. I don't know. I long to help her without it sucking the life out of me. But I know well enough at this point that that is the cost.
I even had a crazy morning where I pictured her living with me (shh...don't tell my husband). She could convalesce and just be at peace. If only that were possible for her and for me.
Here is what I do know at this point: no matter how much time I spend coming to terms with the state of things, peace is not only a process, peace is the process. Being at peace when things are great is easy. Being at peace when things are rough, or when you don't know the outcome, that is the tricky part. Since waiting for things to be great is out of the question, clearly, it is time for the tricky part of the peace process.
Even if I am not being contacted or called or ensnared in the crises day to day anymore, I love a person who is hurting. I love a person who is unwell and that is a painful thing. Finding peace in my life that doesn't feel selfish and cruel in such moments is very difficult. Especially at the holidays.
Here is the thing, and this is how my feelings about having a mother who is severely mentally ill tie in with my work: I came at this work from a place of trying to make things better for other people in the world who are hurting. I have seen hurting. If I can minimize or eliminate some small bit of hurting somewhere in the world, I will sleep better for it.
Yet, I feel quite far from that now. So, I will allow myself a break. (And perhaps if I say it enough I will believe it!) And I will wish all of you out there who also love someone who is hurting or is someone who is hurting a peaceful holiday season, whatever you may be up against.
