I almost titled this post "control" but after a quick search of old posts realized I have a similar post On Control from three years ago, so I changed the title. However, the truth of the matter is, no matter what I name it, I am still dealing with the same stuff and that, in and of itself, is frustrating.
I see a great therapist who often reminds me that we are human beings not human doings. While goofy, there is a good point there. I am, in my mind and my body, in perpetual motion. Sometimes that perpetual motion feels healthy and like growth and progress and love, sometimes it feels just like motion…exhausting motion. If I am still, if I am "being," I am more vulnerable. The more I dig in and plow ahead the less vulnerable I am.
This is my thinking. It is the thinking that leads me to feel overwhelmed and like I take on too much, but also the thinking that has helped me make things better in life.
Meanwhile, I have a hard time ceding control of things, partly because it is hard to just "cede control" to nothingness. I find it virtually impossible to really let go of things. And here is why: Things don't just work out.
This is my motto. If in doubt, you can bet things won't work out. So, leave nothing to chance. Manage it all. I don't walk through life with the underlying script of "oh it will all work out in the end."
Que sera sera? I think not.
I am trying to actively undo this. And really as time goes by and we work hard to create a life that feels less precarious, I don't feel that my script of "things will only work out if you make them work out and then only maybe" is actually accurate and even, at this point, it is a bit overly dramatic. However, it is through adopting this script that I have managed to create a life that feels more stable. Undoing a script that has helped me to create a life that feels less precarious feels dangerous.
While I don't think I can move directly to "everything will work out" but I can perhaps move to something less foreboding than "things will not work out." This is what I hope for.
I am in the middle of a particularly busy patch right now and while the temptation is to "wait until this is over to practice mindfulness or peacefulness," I can't help but think this is just stalling. And, really, isn't this largely just how life is now?
So I am going to try to start my summer with some letting go and should I need a reminder, I'm sure I can count on my daughter to belt out a rendition of "let it go" for me as she does just about daily anyway.
I struggle with this all the time. The conclusion I've come to is that, while I don't believe that everything will work out, too much of it is beyond my control for me to make it work out, no matter what I do so I just have to make peace with Life. I think that conclusion can be a really hard one to reach, though, if there have been critical moments in your life where your own actions have been the driving force behind making Everything Work Out. If you have seen your own powers at work, I imagine it would be impossible to feel like you were not responsible for keeping on top of every possible loose thread or unplanned detail. That you would not feel intense regret if you were focused on one loose thread instead of another and that one was the one that unraveled. To let go, knowing that life is not letting go. On the other hand, you must be exhausted and never not tense. Sometimes I can convince myself that what I should regret is losing so many moments to regret-prevention. That when the moment of the Big Regret comes, I will be able to have a conversation with Life and tell it that, no, really, I was doing the thing I was supposed to be doing. There might have been something I could have done that would have prevented Big Regret, but it would only make sense to have been doing that if I'd had perfect information ahead of time.
ReplyDeleteI've had enough classes in my program by now to know that this kind of response is not ideal :) I do not think I'm right, it's just something I think about a lot so please tell me where you agree and where I'm not getting it! I like to think more and think better.
Cheryl, you make excellent points. My favorite that we lose so much time to regret-prevention and in the service of that we can miss the bigger point…that life has regrets and that is ok. I've been working a lot since this post on letting it go and being present. And you know what? I've missed appointments (a couple) and felt less efficient than otherwise, and my house has been messier. But I find I am more likely to say yes to my daughter asking me to read her a book and I'm more likely to say, hey its a beautiful night, lets go for a walk. And I feel like, missed appointments and all, it is a healthy choice. I hope for you the same!
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