I almost titled this post "control" but after a quick search of old posts realized I have a similar post On Control from three years ago, so I changed the title. However, the truth of the matter is, no matter what I name it, I am still dealing with the same stuff and that, in and of itself, is frustrating.
I see a great therapist who often reminds me that we are human beings not human doings. While goofy, there is a good point there. I am, in my mind and my body, in perpetual motion. Sometimes that perpetual motion feels healthy and like growth and progress and love, sometimes it feels just like motion…exhausting motion. If I am still, if I am "being," I am more vulnerable. The more I dig in and plow ahead the less vulnerable I am.
This is my thinking. It is the thinking that leads me to feel overwhelmed and like I take on too much, but also the thinking that has helped me make things better in life.
Meanwhile, I have a hard time ceding control of things, partly because it is hard to just "cede control" to nothingness. I find it virtually impossible to really let go of things. And here is why: Things don't just work out.
This is my motto. If in doubt, you can bet things won't work out. So, leave nothing to chance. Manage it all. I don't walk through life with the underlying script of "oh it will all work out in the end."
Que sera sera? I think not.
I am trying to actively undo this. And really as time goes by and we work hard to create a life that feels less precarious, I don't feel that my script of "things will only work out if you make them work out and then only maybe" is actually accurate and even, at this point, it is a bit overly dramatic. However, it is through adopting this script that I have managed to create a life that feels more stable. Undoing a script that has helped me to create a life that feels less precarious feels dangerous.
While I don't think I can move directly to "everything will work out" but I can perhaps move to something less foreboding than "things will not work out." This is what I hope for.
I am in the middle of a particularly busy patch right now and while the temptation is to "wait until this is over to practice mindfulness or peacefulness," I can't help but think this is just stalling. And, really, isn't this largely just how life is now?
So I am going to try to start my summer with some letting go and should I need a reminder, I'm sure I can count on my daughter to belt out a rendition of "let it go" for me as she does just about daily anyway.
