Committed

I have talked to my mother 3 times in the last 2 days and it is somehow about 5 times too many.

She was just released from the crisis center, again, and is off with a new person, sure to call/email/harass me in 1-4 weeks time about what a shitty daughter I am, how I need to "man up," how I need to take care of my family--after all, it is my responsibility.  All of these I have been told (and often repeatedly, for the record) and am now at the point of grimly anticipating it as I hear the name of the new person and think, soon this person will think I am the enemy and find ways of disturbing my peace.

But the thing is, it is my mother who is disturbing my peace.  These people are misguided and, though some have their hearts in the right place, they don't know what they are getting into when they say "sure you can stay with me for a week."

My mother's delusional world is, in some ways, quite impressive.  It is astounding how it is impervious to reason and even fact.  In her world fact is not the fact of my world but a manipulative that we all have interpretations of.  In some ways talking with her about even the events of the day is like having an intense philosophical argument...what is reality?  Except, she cannot and will not entertain your notion of what it is.  Contrary notions of reality are only presented to her to "be mean and hurtful."

What pained me yesterday, to the point of somewhat hysterical laughter, was how lucid she sounded in the midst of this period of homelessness, pennilessness, and drug and alcohol addiction.  I hear what she is saying and see how ridiculous it is in light of what has actually transpired over the years and yet I also hear what she is saying as I would if I didn't know her.

Her story actually sounded plausible and *could* possibly land a person in the particular maelstrom of crap she is currently in.  Which brings me to my second point, which may be over before it begins...

I am in the process of contacting probate courts to see about involuntary treatment.

Putting aside the incredibly emotional and painful exercise this is for me, her daughter, I am now wondering exactly how possible this is going to be.  When she is not intoxicated, she can still sound, on the phone at least, like she was the unwitting victim of this recent string of bad luck.

Is this how she sees herself?  Does she actually buy it?  Or is it a straight up manipulation?  I used to think she just saw things like this, but she has shown cracks at times, acknowledging alternative perspectives and then deliberately choosing to put the rose-tinted glasses back on.

I am now doubtful that my court method will work.  As a family member said, she is very ill and the worst part is, she doesn't know she is ill.  Her illness is killing her, slowly, graphically and exhaustingly and she doesn't see it.  I either need to do something to stop it or turn away completely because I cannot watch.