I've been following a friend of a friend's pregnancy for a couple of months. I've heard some details about a baby shower and that it was their first and how exciting that first baby can be. I heard that the mother was interested in using cloth diapers, so I provided (perhaps too much) information with my thoughts on the subject. I was enjoying hearing details about this joyous event and reflecting back on our own experience with our first. What a wild ride the first can be.
Then last week I heard from my friend that her friend was epileptic (like me) and had suffered a seizure while pregnant. She was near the due date. The baby was taken by emergency c-section and was fine. She was placed on life support. She stayed on life support until last night when she was taken off. She passed away early this morning.
No. No way. This was not the ending that was supposed to be. A miraculous recovery? A slow but steady improvement? Not this young mother gone. Not this young father solo with his newborn son to raise. Not this newborn child never knowing this woman who brought him into this world?
I am awash with conflicting feelings: grief, joy that the baby is healthy, relief that this father and son have family in town, near panic at the roll of the dice that pregnancy can be, especially when you have a condition such as epilepsy, relief and thankfulness and shock for my two pregnancies.
I knew I was taking risks when I was pregnant, but just like there are risks in all things, you know there is a remote chance of the "unthinkable" happening. I don't know this woman, but I would imagine she probably had a series of similar thoughts and conversations about epilepsy and pregnancy. It was definitely not something I took lightly, however when I considered my risks, I was 95% concerned with how it would affect my baby. I didn't even really consider myself. I had had seizures before, I would be fine. It was my baby. That was what I really was concerned about.
Three days after my son was born I had a series of seizures that almost sent me into status epilepticus. I was hospitalized and out of it for days. My husband thought I might have permanent brain damage as I couldn't remember anything. I had to be reminded that I had already had the baby. I remember seeing him across the hospital room in his snugride carseat. All eyes on me. I remember thinking, who cares about me? What about our baby? Take care of our baby. I was heartsick I hadn't been able to do it myself during those days I was incapacitated.
Becoming a mother was such a transference of concern and focus it was overwhelming. As I hear this heartbreaking story of my friend's friend, I hope and pray that she, wherever she is, is relieved to know that the focus can now be more fully on her son, on her baby who is healthy and perfect and loved and will shine brightly with his mother's love shining on him from afar.
No comments:
Post a Comment