Contact

After more than six weeks of silence, my mother contacted me and my little sister two days ago. Did she explain what has been happening in her life? No. Did she ask how we were? No. Inquire about grandkids and how their Christmas was? No. Did she send a youtube video of an ultra dramatic Queen song with no additional commentary? Why, yes she did.

I looked on my email, as I often do after the kids are in bed, on Monday night. It flashed up and I saw my mother's email address and before I realized it I clicked off my email as if I saw something terrifying.

I took a breath and opened my email again. I thought, it could be a virus. I looked at the email and it was to me and my sister. Likely not a virus then. I opened it. It was a video. I called Peter over and clicked on the video. He recognized the song immediately. He said, turn it off. I didn't. I watched it. Like standing at the beach while waves hit me. I thought to myself, bring it. I can handle your message. I can take it.

These are the lyrics:

Love of my life,
You hurt me,
You broken my heart,
Now you leave me

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me

Love of my life don't leave me,
You've stolen my love you now desert me,

Love of my life can't you see,
Bring it back bring it back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me

You will remember when this is blown over,
And everything's all by the way,
When I grow older,
I will be there at your side,
To remind how I still love you
I still love you
I still love you

Hurry back hurry back,
Don't take it away from me,
Because you don't know what it means to me

Love of my life,
Love of my life

The truth of my mother's unhealthy partner-like attachment to her daughters being shared here makes me feel both sick and free. Sick and free, awesome.

I remember when I bought it. When I was a willing participant. One time comes to mind very clearly. I was 9. My mother was single and we were living in Nashville. She would cry and I would hold her and tell her it was okay. I would clean the house when she was out or make her a present so that when she returned she would be happy and would stay with me.

She told me when I was 9 that she was lonely. I remember thinking, so clearly, "but mom, I don't know what you mean? You have me." I told her that. She let me comfort her. I really felt like her partner. At the time I thought that was how it was supposed to be.

Now as an adult, I know she was lonely. I know she needed other adults. I don't fault her for that. I don't fault her for feeling sad. I do fault her for letting me think I was all she needed when I was all she had and then letting me feel like I was in the way when something better came along.

Apparently she is lonely again. She wants "the love of her life" back. No thanks.

I feel for her and feel sad writing this, like I am betraying some trust. But I never agreed to silence. I don't want her to suffer. I don't want her to think I don't love her. But this shade of love? This is not what I want with my mother.

I was taught that protecting this warped relationship would protect my mother. Silence, loyalty, deference: if I continued in this vein, she would be okay. That is all. Just give my life over to her totally. Why can't I do that? Don't I love her? This is the mom voice in my head.

Not only do I see now that doing these things would not and did not protect my mother, but the cost is too high even if it did. The cost is me and my life and my children's mother. And that is unacceptable.

The other day, I was feeling sad. We were cooking dinner and all of a sudden my son said with an odd smile on his face, "I know Mama, why don't we turn off all electronics for tonight?" I asked him why he said that, and he said "I thought that would make you happy." He clearly didn't want to turn things off, but somehow got the idea that he had to fix my unhappiness and this was the way.

It snapped me out of my head for a moment. I got down in his face. I told him that I appreciated so much that he was wishing I was not feeling sad but that my sadness is not his fault or his responsibility. It happens sometimes. There are days like this.