Friend or Foe?

My mother's most recent "other", point person, enabler wonders why we are no longer facebook friends. She caught on to my recent silent friend deletion. In an attempt to rid my life of the drama, and after she left cursing, screaming ugly posts on my mother's facebook wall, I defriended her and now she wants to know why. Where to begin?

I share an awkward relationship with my mother's other enablers. I have been known to warn them at the beginning. I say something to the effect of: "I know my mother is reaching out to you lately. I'm not sure what she is saying, but I just want you to know that she is sick and really needs help." In response to this I have heard a mix of responses.

The most recent "other" responded by telling me that my mother is indeed sick and does need help--from me, her ungrateful daughter. To which I did not reply. It is a sickening feeling to know that out there in the world your name and reputation are being dragged through the mud by your mother and her "others". I've gotten more used to it by now, but it never feels good.

I feel sympathetic for these others, as I know the disturbingly bewitching ways of my mother. I understand what is like to have her say you are the only one who truly understands her and to have her shower you with praise. This is how she begins to pull others into her reality. A place I resided for much of the 80s and 90s.

For all the sympathy I feel however, do I want to be facebook friends? We were in contact while my mother was actively using her when I was more interested in my mother's whereabouts. But really, is this a connection that is anything but depressing and ugly for me?

My mother's enablers fall into three main categories. The first is the kind and naive friend. This person hears my mother's very convincing tales of woe and persecution and takes it upon themselves to offer her a "fresh start."

The second type is the person with an agenda of their own. These folks have issues themselves: an ex boyfriend who was controlling and abusive, a friend who was an alcoholic. These people fall for the lines but also weave them into their own distorted reality to create a compounded delusion. These alliances can be the ugliest and most long lasting.

The third category of my mother's enablers are her daughters. Her daughters are hewn into the shape of attack dog, fierce defender, loyal abider and dream continuer. We are extensions of her when it feels good to her and separate from her when it does not. We were raised to be this so it was the easiest and most natural of enabling situations for my mother. We have had to fight our way out of the tangled web and we continue to work on rewiring our minds and hearts. It is as if my pain, panic, worry and joy sensors were all connected to my mother's well being...thus making her well being paramount to my own wellness.

This connection has had to be severed.

Becoming a mother and realizing that I now have little people dependent on me made me wake up. Having my mother live perilously close to the edge or over the edge, as the case may be, also made me wake up.

My mother's other "others" out there in the world are like ghost relatives. They have been likewise used and abused, some more grotesquely than others. Some have seen that my mother is sick, some are still vying to be her "other" again soon.

I am trying to move on with my life. For myself and for my children and husband and, truthfully, there just is not room in that picture for hauntings by these others. So, yes, I am no longer her facebook friend and hopefully soon she will move on too.